Random Thoughts

The person in charge of naming speach impediments is a prick, if you have one, it keeps you from pronouncing it correctly: IE lisp

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why are they called "Apartments" when your neighbor is less than a foot away?

got these in e-mail from a buddy of mine! sorry if the second one is a little to graphic just let me know and i'll remove it!


A blind man wanders into a bar, not realizing it's actually a female biker bar.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there awhile, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
Then, in a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind,
that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a blonde woman, about a foot taller than you, with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters....
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."



At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."



1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She Needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said,"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the Airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it Be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said,"Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" Replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

“The curlers are on me.”